All Creatures Great & Small

8 hours sleep in 144 hours...

Keeping wolves & black dogs at bay from various doors, including my own ~ although the neighbour's Blacken Retriever is currently curled up at my feet... how she got here is a mystery. I returned from breakfast at the local to find her stretched out on the loungeroom floor...??

Other unwelcome guests dealt with in the last 24 hours included hundreds of newly-hatched Huntsman spiders in a friend's bedroom. I'm sorry to report that they're all deceased ~ Mortein has a nasty effect on the new-born... & isn't so good for the adult humans wielding the can either.

I don't like killing spiders, but this was an exceptional circumstance... it's a bit difficult to convince hundreds of spiders to abandon the ceiling, walls, bed, carpet, wardrobe etc... & leave via the window. Adult Huntsmans are no problem ~ I've evicted dozens from WaitingManor over the years & a few Redbacks too. I have some Daddy Longlegs that live here year-round, even though they're a bit slack in keeping the mosquito population down in the bedroom. I only disturb them when the cobwebs get out of hand & dangle over the bed.

Curiously, this was the 2nd time I've inflicted genocide via pesticide on baby spiders at my friend's house. And the last time was in a different house ... Is Nature trying to tell her something?

In Case Of Emergency...

Interesting...

Having come to a personal realisation & blurted/bared it straight away to my Foil on Friday night, I find confirmation of it by Sunday evening. Which makes me wonder if I really knew it all along & have refused to see, or at least acknowledge it... Who am I kidding, I think I have known this for a long time, but haven't realised how deeply it goes & how deeply it affects & effects me.

Simple truth. I define myself by what I do to & for people. When I do something good for someone, I feel good about myself. I don't feel anywhere near as good when I do something just for me. When I hurt someone, I feel pain ~ in a different way to what I've caused, certainly, but possibly no more or less. It makes me feel like I'm wrong, even if I may have been right & need to fix things, even if I can't. And if I can't, I feel worse. If I have any kind of ego it's a reflected one, as I don't really have any faith or pride in my own abilities until/unless they're used to do things for people.

This evening I was made aware of how much I've helped someone & how much I've hurt someone... all in the space of 15 minutes & consecutive phone calls. Which leaves me............

Experiencing the low more than the high... & wondering what kind of person that makes me.

And wondering if... well, wondering about a great many things, actually.

The nature of self-confidence & esteem. The nature of & the pros & cons of pride ~ why my skills & achievements mean nothing to me unless they benefit others. The cause. The reaction. The balance ~ if any. The future. Does everyone feel like this to greater, lesser, or equal degree? Does it matter?

There's so much more than this... my habitual dismissal of compliments & gratitude ~ in fact, my level of discomfort when either are presented to me... & yet my disappointment & occasional anger at being, or feeling, neglected or underappreciated. I think the only person who should hear or read more should have a tertiary degree, a Medicare provider number & a comfortable visitor's chair... or couch.

Wondering if I should have made this a private entry. And wondering why I haven't.

I wonder what the Sleep vs Awake counter will read by tomorrow.