In Case Of Emergency...

[waitingman]

Interesting...

Having come to a personal realisation & blurted/bared it straight away to my Foil on Friday night, I find confirmation of it by Sunday evening. Which makes me wonder if I really knew it all along & have refused to see, or at least acknowledge it... Who am I kidding, I think I have known this for a long time, but haven't realised how deeply it goes & how deeply it affects & effects me.

Simple truth. I define myself by what I do to & for people. When I do something good for someone, I feel good about myself. I don't feel anywhere near as good when I do something just for me. When I hurt someone, I feel pain ~ in a different way to what I've caused, certainly, but possibly no more or less. It makes me feel like I'm wrong, even if I may have been right & need to fix things, even if I can't. And if I can't, I feel worse. If I have any kind of ego it's a reflected one, as I don't really have any faith or pride in my own abilities until/unless they're used to do things for people.

This evening I was made aware of how much I've helped someone & how much I've hurt someone... all in the space of 15 minutes & consecutive phone calls. Which leaves me............

Experiencing the low more than the high... & wondering what kind of person that makes me.

And wondering if... well, wondering about a great many things, actually.

The nature of self-confidence & esteem. The nature of & the pros & cons of pride ~ why my skills & achievements mean nothing to me unless they benefit others. The cause. The reaction. The balance ~ if any. The future. Does everyone feel like this to greater, lesser, or equal degree? Does it matter?

There's so much more than this... my habitual dismissal of compliments & gratitude ~ in fact, my level of discomfort when either are presented to me... & yet my disappointment & occasional anger at being, or feeling, neglected or underappreciated. I think the only person who should hear or read more should have a tertiary degree, a Medicare provider number & a comfortable visitor's chair... or couch.

Wondering if I should have made this a private entry. And wondering why I haven't.

I wonder what the Sleep vs Awake counter will read by tomorrow.

Comments

[unknownblogger.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for everyone, but I certainly feel like that. But weighing it up it seems to be better than the alternative, which is an addiction to selfish pleasures. I can guarantee you that the great majority of people who have achieved great things in the world have done so out of a feeling of needing to prove themselves to others.

I think the majority of people probably fall into two categories: those who are externally motivated and those who pretend they aren't (because they care too much about what other people think).