Hey Laddies!!
May. 26th, 2007 10:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waitingmanThe other side of the coin... from Richard Glover in today's SMH
Instructions for your AussieSheila
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieSheila. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use.
Warnings
* Not suitable for use with maps.
* Requires regular chocolate supply (not included).
* Contents may settle over time.
Getting started
* Servicing your AussieSheila requires considerable skill and knowledge. Please leave adequate time and proceed cautiously. Each step must be thoroughly completed before moving on. DO NOT SKIP STEPS.
* Do not attempt to service your AussieSheila if she is still connected to a telephone line.
* If your AussieSheila appears difficult to get going, it may be your fault. You may be in the wrong gear. Try changing out of your T-shirt and Stubbies into something more elegant.
Ongoing use
* Unlike some overseas models, the AussieSheila will not operate on limited supplies of power. Please ensure 100 per cent access to any available household power.
* Your AussieSheila comes with an attractive and durable outer casing. However, due to problems in the ego panel, your AussieSheila may believe her outer casing to be drab and unattractive. This fault is general to all models and is not covered by your warranty. Remove access to any mirrored surfaces and gently attempt to reinflate ego.
* If asked to assess whether your AussieSheila's bottom appears large in a certain outfit, stand directly in front of your AussieSheila, holding her shoulders with both hands, and employ the phrase, "No, not at all." FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS SAFETY WARNING CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS.
Troubleshooting
* Fault: My AussieSheila keeps breaking down.
Solution: Your AussieSheila is designed for multi-tasking. However, during multi-tasking, dangerous levels of guilt may build up on all working services. Your AussieSheila may blame herself for problems at both home and work, noting that she is juggling so many tasks she cannot be expected to perform them all to a high standard. In extreme cases she may even feel guilty about events quite beyond her control, such as the recent failure of the Russian wheat harvest. Try to remove accretions of guilt using a soft cloth. Attempt to encourage her to pump blame through to where it belongs: her boss, the kids, you and Vladimir Putin.
* Fault: My AussieSheila is difficult to turn on.
Solution: Before attempting to turn on your AussieSheila, you must pay close attention to her three main erogenous zones. These comprise: the kitchen floor, the shower recess and the bathroom floor. Make sure you give each of them a thorough rub, using a circular motion and lots of elbow grease. Once your AussieSheila has observed her AussieBloke on his hands and knees, dressed in his shorty pyjamas, scrubbing out the shower recess, you may find she has already turned herself on.
* Fault: My AussieSheila refuses to order dessert at the restaurant, but then eats all of mine.
Solution: Order something she doesn't like.
Waivers and exclusions
* The word "help" should not be used, especially as part of the phrase "Can I help with the housework?" Your AussieSheila does not want "help" with the housework. She wants you to bloody well do your share.
* Occasionally your AussieSheila will use language more befitting a Sydney wharfie. This is not considered a fault but is merely a regional variation in the language pack.
* Care should be taken with any observation relating to an AussieSheila's shape or tummy size. You should only compliment an AussieSheila on her pregnancy if you can see an actual baby emerging at the time.
A final word
* While requiring more power than some models currently available overseas, the AussieSheila remains a world beater in terms of responsiveness, durability and excitement - albeit not always in ease of handling. Use your AussieSheila with respect and care and you will enjoy years of dependable and enjoyable service - service only available from the happy folks here at AussieSheila. Enjoy!
Instructions for your AussieSheila
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieSheila. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use.
Warnings
* Not suitable for use with maps.
* Requires regular chocolate supply (not included).
* Contents may settle over time.
Getting started
* Servicing your AussieSheila requires considerable skill and knowledge. Please leave adequate time and proceed cautiously. Each step must be thoroughly completed before moving on. DO NOT SKIP STEPS.
* Do not attempt to service your AussieSheila if she is still connected to a telephone line.
* If your AussieSheila appears difficult to get going, it may be your fault. You may be in the wrong gear. Try changing out of your T-shirt and Stubbies into something more elegant.
Ongoing use
* Unlike some overseas models, the AussieSheila will not operate on limited supplies of power. Please ensure 100 per cent access to any available household power.
* Your AussieSheila comes with an attractive and durable outer casing. However, due to problems in the ego panel, your AussieSheila may believe her outer casing to be drab and unattractive. This fault is general to all models and is not covered by your warranty. Remove access to any mirrored surfaces and gently attempt to reinflate ego.
* If asked to assess whether your AussieSheila's bottom appears large in a certain outfit, stand directly in front of your AussieSheila, holding her shoulders with both hands, and employ the phrase, "No, not at all." FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS SAFETY WARNING CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS.
Troubleshooting
* Fault: My AussieSheila keeps breaking down.
Solution: Your AussieSheila is designed for multi-tasking. However, during multi-tasking, dangerous levels of guilt may build up on all working services. Your AussieSheila may blame herself for problems at both home and work, noting that she is juggling so many tasks she cannot be expected to perform them all to a high standard. In extreme cases she may even feel guilty about events quite beyond her control, such as the recent failure of the Russian wheat harvest. Try to remove accretions of guilt using a soft cloth. Attempt to encourage her to pump blame through to where it belongs: her boss, the kids, you and Vladimir Putin.
* Fault: My AussieSheila is difficult to turn on.
Solution: Before attempting to turn on your AussieSheila, you must pay close attention to her three main erogenous zones. These comprise: the kitchen floor, the shower recess and the bathroom floor. Make sure you give each of them a thorough rub, using a circular motion and lots of elbow grease. Once your AussieSheila has observed her AussieBloke on his hands and knees, dressed in his shorty pyjamas, scrubbing out the shower recess, you may find she has already turned herself on.
* Fault: My AussieSheila refuses to order dessert at the restaurant, but then eats all of mine.
Solution: Order something she doesn't like.
Waivers and exclusions
* The word "help" should not be used, especially as part of the phrase "Can I help with the housework?" Your AussieSheila does not want "help" with the housework. She wants you to bloody well do your share.
* Occasionally your AussieSheila will use language more befitting a Sydney wharfie. This is not considered a fault but is merely a regional variation in the language pack.
* Care should be taken with any observation relating to an AussieSheila's shape or tummy size. You should only compliment an AussieSheila on her pregnancy if you can see an actual baby emerging at the time.
A final word
* While requiring more power than some models currently available overseas, the AussieSheila remains a world beater in terms of responsiveness, durability and excitement - albeit not always in ease of handling. Use your AussieSheila with respect and care and you will enjoy years of dependable and enjoyable service - service only available from the happy folks here at AussieSheila. Enjoy!
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Date: 2007-05-26 04:41 pm (UTC)