The Waiting Man

... our snakes & spiders. they're having just as hard a time with the flooding along the east coast as the rest of us.... The Australian attitude to our venomous menagerie is evident in the captions to various photos mentioning 'cuties'... snakes!

Meanwhile, the road I prefer to use when crossing the Blue Mountains - the mountain range to the west of Sydney you need to get over to access the rest of the State, has been closed indefinitely, as landslides have weakened not only the road's structural integrity, but also that of one of the bigger mountains it snakes (sorry... that word again!) around!!

I prefer that road for 2 reasons: It's less crowded than the main highway route with all the tourist stops on it & for the twists, turns, sharp corners & much more dramatic scenery... including huge drop-offs that are often right outside the car door as you come around the corner. Which is probably why everyone prefers the safer highway. Well... that's going to be a busy road for the next little while, so maybe I'll have to take a leaf out of the white explorers of the early 19th Century who 'discovered' the way over the mountains that later became the highway (turns out all they did was follow existing aboriginal tracks. My favourite, now closed road, does the same. Credit where it's due!!) & 'discover' a new way over, or around, the western barrier walls of the Sydney Basin. At least I'll be honest about it & give any available credit to Google Maps...

Just like anywhere else in the world, Australia has some rules. But a few you may not have heard of – until now...

1. Don’t underestimate the sun
We have one of the world’s highest incidence of skin cancer for a reason. And no, you’re not a golden bronze you’re neon red, like an embarrassed lobster.

2. Don’t forget the thank you wave
While Australian drivers are often quick to pull out the other one fingered salute, it’s imperative that you acknowledge when someone lets you into the traffic or exhibits other forms of road-based kindness. This can take the form of a raised hand so that the car behind can see it or a thumb up. The raised index finger from the steering wheel can also function as a rural greeting as other motorists zipping by.

3. Don’t call rocket ‘arugula’
It’s an Americanism and an ironic one because for a nation that’s at the forefront of space exploration, they can’t bring themselves to use the word rocket. And besides, arugula sounds like an old car horn.

4. Don’t order a cocktail when it’s someone else’s shout and they’re on beer
Pub etiquette is both complex and adhered to in Australia. If someone buys you a drink, you are obligated to return the kindness. With one of equal(ish) value.

5. Don’t attempt to climb the Rock (or any other similar objects)
It took way too long to stop Australians and visitors alike from clambering over sacred sites. Even if there are no signs, just don’t.

6. Yes, our hourly wage is better than that of many countries
But that doesn’t mean hospitality staff are raking it in as a result. If the experience has been worthy and you can spare the dollars, 10 to 20 per cent is the rough guideline. It won’t be assumed but it will be appreciated.

7. Don’t disregard warning signs (except one)
It’s not an ad for Lacoste. There are actual crocodiles in that water. And not the cute little ones. Ditto jellyfish that do way worse than just sting a bit. The only one to take no notice of is anything with the words ‘drop bears’.

8. Don’t ask someone ‘but where are you actually from?’
Assume they’re Australian and move on to a less clichéd discussion.

9. Don’t ask where the nearest Starbucks is
Unless you’re only hitting them up for Wi-Fi, Australia has better coffee to offer.

10. Don’t assume there will be a gas station every few miles
Once you hit the highway or any place that can be designated as the Outback, fill up where and whenever possible. Also don’t refer to them as gas stations or forget that we use kilometres not miles.

11. Don’t bag Vegemite
Unless you’ve had someone guide you through the basics of spread to bread ratio distribution. It’s not peanut butter – you only need a smear thinner than a motel cushion.

12. Don’t assume your sports are better than ours
Yes, the standard of certain games – like basketball in the US or soccer in the UK – may be superior but as far as actual toughness and skill goes you’d be hard pressed to beat, say AFL. No pads, no time-outs unless someone needs to be taken to casualty, no carrying on like a pork chop when you do something mundane like make a regular tackle and you can’t run out of play because the scary defender is about to monster you and still keep possession.

13. Don’t smoke weed in public
Unlike many countries, marijuana is not legal in Australia. Yet. And while certain police officers may be lenient when it comes to personal use, it’s probably not best to test tolerance levels when out and about.

14. Don’t “champ” anyone
It may have started as a compliment but in recent years, the tone has changed to one of ambivalence at best and condescension at worst.

15. Don’t call a walk a hike
A hike means a pack on your back, the high probability of an overnight camp ground and the necessity of an emergency GPS in case things go tits up. If you’re just doing the Bondi to Bronte trail, it’s a walk.

16. Don’t ever refuse chicken salt
You can keep your Pink Himalayan and fleur de sel. This is far superior to any salt you’ve tried before. Trust us.

17. Don’t wait for someone to pump your petrol
They ain’t coming.

18. Don’t do the Crocodile Dundee jokes
At this stage, we’re all just smiling politely as you say “that’s not a knife….” Ditto shrimps and barbies.

19. Don’t actually tell someone the truth when they ask ‘how you going’?
Despite how it sounds, this is not a genuine inquiry as to your emotional wellbeing. Unless it comes from an actual friend, the only acceptable answer is ‘good’.

20. Don’t assume you’ll see actual celebrities on TV shows with the words “stars” or “celebrity” in the title.
Our definition is very, very broad. Case in point, Lindsay Lohan as a judge on a singing show where Wendell Sailor is a contestant.

Summer is on holiday... here in Sydney, with temperatures in the low 20s centigrade, grey skies & constant, ground-soaking rain

Not that I'm complaining... I'll take the rain in this dry country as often as global weather patterns are willing to give it to us... We've all seen the alternative...

Just out of interest, can anyone point out where Sydney is on this map?

I'm still holding off on my own, personal, year-in-review, as I won't believe it's over until the clock hits 12.01am just under 2 weeks from now. But the Sydney Morning Herald's Peter Hartcher has chanced his arm & opts for praising, with faint damns...

( 5 Australian Lessons From 2020 )

... when I decided to opt out of further rants about the protests in America, I mentioned Australia was not without its own problems in that area, so I should stay quiet on this one

Enter our Prime Minister... who hasn't put a foot significantly wrong for a few months, so has obviously been itching for an opportunity to stuff things up

He claims there was no slavery in Australia. He is wrong

Says who? Says thousands of Aboriginal people, thousands of Pacific Islanders & thousands of Chinese, South-East Asian & Indian people, who were brought here to do all the work we once made the convicts do... for the same wage & conditions - basically nothing. So, any white Australian of convict descent should be just as insulted at this 'whitewashing' of our history, as any of the aforementioned others

They probably won't be though... in fact they're probably the ones who agree with him

This morning, I listened to a radio current affairs program devote about 30 minutes to Chinese students complaining about Australia's bio-security measures to prevent the new Coronavirus spreading here. The students' gripe was that they have to be quarantined for 14 days, before they are tested again, screened & then will be allowed in to resume their studies here. It's apparently unfair that, given they've paid for their courses, Australia won't just open its gates & let them in, no questions asked &, especially, no health checks done

So, you have been living in the country that is the origin & epicentre of a global epidemic, with more diagnoses & deaths every day... & you think it's unfair we won't let you just walk back into our Universities without making sure you're healthy??

Fuck off... Seriously, just fuck off, you bunch of whining, self-entitled brats. To then compound your arrogance by claiming it's racist treatment, devalues the legitimate claims of racism that are, unfortunately, still occurring

Certainly, Australia has some pretty strict quarantine regulations... it always has - that's why we don't have rabies here, or foot & mouth disease, or Creutzfeldt-Jacob (Mad Cow) disease (All of which originated in Europe, not Asia... & we still don't let some Europeans give blood if they were in the UK at the time of CJD). It's why we were barely affected by the SARS outbreak in the early 2000s. It's why there was such a kerfuffle when Johnny Depp tried to bring his 2 dogs into the country without quarantining them... or even declaring they were coming with him. We are an island continent, which afforded us some natural immunity for a millennium or 60, but this modern world brings lots of stuff to our doorstep by plane, or boat... Not all of it is good for us, or our flora & fauna. Hence... Quarantine & lots of seasons of Border Security

Two things these students should know... Australia isn't China. And you're not special

Yesterday (26th January) was Australia Day, marking the day in 1788 the first European settlers turned up in Sydney Harbour, planted a flag & got down to business. This, of course, didn't go down too well with, or subsequently for, the indigenous people who have received the short & occasionally sharp end of the stick ever since

Certainly in my lifetime, there has been an increasingly visible & audible protest movement against the national day itself & its callous celebration of what the indigenous people refer to as 'Invasion Day'. Leaving aside the fiercely argued cases on both sides for a moment, I'm curious about what happens in other countries with similar origins - most notably the USA. How do the Native Americans feel about days like Thanksgiving, or Founders Day etc..? Is there, or has there ever been a protest movement about the whitewashing of indigenous history, similar to what I've seen over the last few decades?

Australia... land of extremes

How do you put out large fires? With large storms, of course...



One of a couple of storm fronts that rolled across New South Wales yesterday, tearing roofs off buildings, uprooting trees, dumping golf ball-sized hail & not delivering as much rain as you'd expect... or like

Just returned from 'date night' with L-SP - who would argue that, since we don't have children, every night is date night... We had a buffet meal at the Sheraton on the Park Hotel in the city - something that would normally cost $100 per person, but a voucher deal halved that for us & made it worthwhile indulging

Or did it? Arriving at 6.30pm to a quiet, 1/3 full restaurant, the first 2 trips to the seafood section were a definite highlight, though the crab selection really reminds you that those little sideways critters are a lot of hard work for not a lot of reward (certainly not a patch on the Alaskan King crab we had in a Shack in Augusta Georgia a few years ago, unlikely to be bettered!!), but the oysters, mussels & prawns were of superior quality, so plenty of those were eaten as well

By this time, the place had filled up considerably, so when the time came to investigate the hot foods, it was a bit of a zoo, trying to get around people & get to anything that looked appetising. This is where it all came unstuck, really... I don't know what it is about buffets that brings out the caveman in modern humans. People were stacking plates so high with food, things were sliding off, picking at things with their fingers, pushing in or through the semi-orderly lines... all for dishes that, sorry, weren't that great, really... Certainly not $100 per person great... & barely $50 if we're counting that way

And it's not as if there was any shortage of food - waiters & servers were constantly re-filling dishes, only for people to swoop down like seagulls & take waaay more than you'd consider polite & bugger anyone else...

So here's the rub - I'm all for social climbing, ambition & aspiration - hell, I've been doing it all my life - but whatever happened to the raising of standards as you go up in the world. I mean, here we were at one of the city's more expensive Hotels & there were people getting 'round in shorts, t-shirts, baseball cap & thongs - dressed more for the beachside pub than the Sheraton &, as mentioned, behaving like the seagulls you'd find in the beer garden there. L-SP & I had dressed 'up' slightly, for the occasion, but soon discovered we needn't have bothered, given the standards on display... And for god's sake, take your damn stupid cap off when you're indoors!!!!!!

Okay, so Australia prides itself on being egalitarian & 'classless' to a degree & I applaud that attitude to an extent... but whatever happened to the idea of being better, or at least seeming to be??? Or even just the notion that you put a little effort into your appearance if you're going somewhere a few pricepoints above the local RSL Club (in fact, I even dress smartly to visit the Club!). Just because we're a classless society, doesn't mean classlessness is acceptable...

... Or is it? Is this just another outdated aspect of my anachronism?

Well, that all just flew by, really - especially the last 10 days or so... Told you the regular posting would tail off by the end of the month. Doesn't feel like it's been more than a week though

January 26th is Australia Day. It's the middle of Summer & the middle of a heatwave too. Those of you who know what a typical Summer in Australia is like, may shudder at the thought of a heatwave ramping up the heat'n'humidity we normally get... It's been "Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum, Your Majesty". so, of course, everyone either hosts, or goes to a barbecue

Bunnings is a national chain of hardware stores. One of the good things about them is they help local community groups & charities to raise money, by having a 'Sausage Sizzle' outside their stores on weekends & public holidays. $2.50 gets you a sausage on 2 slices of bread, with optional onions & your choice of sauce if it's BBQ or tomato. If you're lucky, you can even get mustard. A friend of ours is riding in the 'Tour De Cure' in March & needed to raise enough money to help pay for support teams, accommodation, spare tyres, wheels, lycra shorts etc... & was doing so by having 3 or 4 Sizzles at various Bunnings locations. We agreed to help out at one of them &, as no good deed goes unpunished, our number came up for the Australia Day one down in the far south of Sydney (We live on the Northern Beaches - so it's quite a hike!). We thought it would be a quiet one, as it was a public holiday, the middle of Summer & school holidays... surely everyone would be at a beach somewhere, or in a pool, or just unwilling to get in the car & drive to a hardware store. I know I would have been one of those three things

Wrong!! We turned up at 9am, with extra drink stock, met up with our friend & his Dad, then it was on with the aprons & onto the front counter for Long-Suffering Partner & onto the gas barbecue for me. And it was like that pretty much all day 'til 4pm - there was an incredible amount of people who seem to think that a day off is the ideal chance to start that project at home you've been meaning to get 'round to for months, but need some esoteric power tool & sundry attachments to complete. Not that you'll complete it in one day... Maybe by next Australia Day... But everybody wanted a Charity Sausage - either to fortify themselves before they plunged into the store, or to recover once they'd emerged. Some did both

Our friend did at least 2 more supply runs, cleaning out the nearest supermarket's bread shelf as fast as they could re-stock it &, by the end of our day, we had maybe half a bag of sausages & one loaf of bread left over... as well as a box full of money!!

Collapsing back into the car & heading home, we soon noticed that everything in the car smelled like sausages & onions, but realised it was just us - clothes, skin, hair. The cats thought we were a walking, talking dinner when we got home... they loved the smell, but were annoyed that we both took thorough showers before getting their (chicken) dinners ready. So, a little karma earned & a tick on the wish-list... but I don't think either of us will want to even look at a sausage for a while, much less have them for dinner

Next post - we join 60,000 people in a giant stadium. In the middle of Summer. In a heatwave.

So... everybody knows about Australia's killer spiders, snakes, sharks, lizards, crocodiles, emus, cassowaries (okay, not everyone knows about the cassowaries, but you should) & you probably think we're exaggerating a little... or it's urban myths perpetuated by scared tourists (I admit - the DropBear is a made-up monster), but the fauna around here can still be quite alarming to us natives & genuinely frightening to the rest of the world

Here's an article from today's Sydney Morning Herald. You can read the full story here, with photos & links to other true stories of our deadly room-mates on the island...

Not all heroes wear capes: Why Aussies are braver than Brits


"Well that's the best piece of journalism I've ever seen in the Herald," said my workmate. He put his coffee down, and stared at his laptop screen in admiration.

"Which one?" I asked. "The Kate McClymont piece about ICAC?"

"No, that was OK. I mean the story about the British removalists."

Ah, of course. I knew the one he meant, but I had to correct a point of detail.

"Not just British removalists," I said, "but 'burly' British removalists."

"Yes," my friend agreed. "They were burly removalists and yet they were still scared by a huntsman spider ..."

I was forced to jump in once more: "A huntsman spider which – according to the BBC – was 'the size of a guinea pig'."

Yes, my friend agreed, a huntsman spider "the size of a guinea pig".

At that point we both just sat there for a while and considered the story. As published midweek, it was a simple enough tale. A couple had moved from Australia to Britain. A huntsman spider had insinuated itself into the shipping container.

A supervisor was quoted: "He ran two miles up the road when he first saw it," he said, describing one removalist.

Sorry, one "burly" removalist.

My friend took another sip of coffee.

I said: "I'm not even sure what burly means."

"Oh," said my friend. "It means strong, muscular, very large. These men are the best the UK can offer. They are gods among normal people and yet when confronted with a measly, placid, friendly, mosquito-devouring huntsman, the poor things run for the hills.

"I mean, if a burly Pom is this scared, imagine what a normal-sized Pom would do."

We sat there for a moment longer, letting the tale capture our hearts. That defeat in the cricket? Somehow it had lost its sting.

"They clearly don't realise they are harmless," said my friend, interrupting the silence. "If he was found in an Australian house, he'd be treated like a member of the family."

I nodded in agreement. "That's the least of it. He'd be given a nickname. 'Hairy Legs', something cute like that. Or maybe 'Mr Hairy'. If you had a toddler, she'd treat him like a pet. She'd sing him lullabies at night."

We savoured some more. The British really had stuffed up in 1942 when they failed to hold Singapore. Disappointed? We were ropeable. Then there was that thing – was it 1973? – where they joined Europe and stopped buying our lamb chops. That wasn't good either.

It was good to see them get their comeuppance.

"I have a cousin in the UK," I said.

"I have a brother," he said.

We went back to our laptops. "Should we send the story direct on Facebook Messenger?" my friend asked. "Or put it on Facebook, then tag them?"

I took a sip of coffee. "Best to do both," I advised. "That's what I did with the flying fox story."

He looked at me quizzically. I had to explain. It was late last year and The Times of London reported that Australia had been struck by a plague of flying foxes. These tiny, sweet-faced bats can, it's true, create problems with their poo. The Times, though, wasn't focused on the poo. It was focused on the size of the animal.

The name flying fox, the paper confided, grew from the fact the animals were the size of foxes. Essentially, it was a fox with wings. The way the paper carried on, you could see them dive-bombing sheep and carrying the bleating animals back to their nests.

Of course, I'd sent the link to my cousin so she might better understand how brave I must be to walk out my front door each morning; a man dive-bombed by winged foxes.

Better still, the story had come just after Mick Fanning had punched the shark.

"Oh, that was great," said my friend. "I loved that story."

I asked: "Did you send the Mick Fanning video to your brother?"

"Oh, yes," said my friend. "I posted the video wherever I could. I told everyone we're given shark defence lessons in primary school, and that Mick was just doing what every Australian is taught to do when confronted by a shark."

"Me too," I said. "Plus, I sent them the Australian Museum official entry on the drop bear – 'Thylarctos plummetus, a large, arboreal, predatory marsupial related to the koala ... around the size of a leopard or very large dog'. That really did freak them out."

My friend purred with pleasure. "They must think we are so brave – what with air-born foxes and the drop bears, the spiders the size of guinea pigs and the need to punch a shark just in order to have a weekend swim."

I nodded grimly. "We're brave, all right. I'm brave. You're brave. And we're not even that burly.