Our local newsfeeds are full of stories about the drought(s) affecting the Northern Hemisphere...

So I wonder - during any of the long droughts we've experienced here in Australia - most recently 2017-2019 - did we receive the same kind of news coverage in America & Europe? I know we made a lot of headlines during the 'Black Summer' bushfires of 2019-20, but did the top half of the world know we'd been in severe drought for most of the 2010s decade (which is why everything burned so spectacularly!!)? And on the other side of the coin, are you aware of the severe flooding we've experienced in the last 2 years, which looks set to continue into a 3rd?

It could be argued that Australia's population has a huge proportion of migrants from the UK & Europe, so our interest in news from the Northern Hemisphere stems from that - lots of people want to see what's happening back 'home'... but you can also ask a lot of Australians about USA politics & they could give you a pretty decent rundown of what (the fuck??!!??) is going on over there & could certainly name not only the current President, but also at least the previous 4. Can any of my Top End readers name the current Australian Prime Minister without Googling? He's only been in the job a few months, so how about the one before that - he was there for a few years (too many!!)?

I'm not really complaining about us being forgotten, down here at the bottom of the planet, I'm just interested to know if the rest of the world uses the information super highway to visit us, as much as we do to visit you...

Apparently, if not for some espionage & subterfuge, Australia's European settlers could have come from France & not Britain...

The British colonising fleet arrived in Botany Bay only a few days before 2 French ships turned up with the same idea. They had been delayed looking for some fabled 'treasure' islands that featured on a map of the South Pacific, but didn't actually exist. Turns out the British made them up to distract the French... who fell for it hook, line, sinker, rod, reel & first 3 issues of Anglers Weekly, to paraphrase Kryten from Red Dwarf...

The other interesting thing is that Britain initially wasn't keen on the idea of colonising Australia, as it was too far away & would be too expensive (today the reverse is true, travelling to Britain from Australia is too far away & extremely expensive!!), but one of their American agents got wind of the French plan to build a new 'empire' in the South Pacific &, well, we couldn't have that!! So using the transportation of convicts as a cover story, the British hurried down under as fast as the trade winds would carry them

Either way, it was bad news for our First Australians, who died by the tens of thousands in the first 50 years of colonisation... There's no way of telling if the French would have been any better in their dealings with them, but I somehow doubt it

Another week, another 'Conservative' right-wing loony criticising Australia for our Covid responses. This one wants to send in the USA Army to 'liberate' us, because our government is apparently as bad as the Taliban, while noting that the USA lost the war in Afghanistan... I'm not sure why then, Candace Owens thinks sending US troops to invade Australia is a good idea - does she think it's time the USA had a win & Australia would be an easy beat?

Then again, Candace may be onto something there... we once sent our army out to tackle the rogue emu population in Western Australia. Much like the War on Terror, the birds proved hard to find & at one point, an average of 10 bullets were used to kill each bird. The 'war' stopped & started again, between 1932 & 1948, as the emus numbers constantly bounced back. Sound familiar?

So, US army - be careful before you get involved in another war in a mostly desert country... Your track record isn't good... but, judging by the amount of emus still around, neither is ours!!

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Not that I would expect any of my limited audience to be avid listeners, fans, or supporters of Joe Rogan, but a little fact-checking of his latest podcast about Australia's Delta variant experience...

“There’s some crazy shit going on right now where the army is trying to keep people inside in Australia. They have full on government lockdowns where the government is flying helicopters over streets saying ‘go back indoors, you’re not allowed outside’.”

No - helicopters with loudspeakers are not overhead as I type this. And you are allowed outside for a number of reasons - food & essentials shopping, exercise, home-schooling sanity breaks... & essential workers, which kind of includes me, in a limited capacity. We're certainly not talking about a Chinese-style operation where people were literally shut inside. The helicopters have been used over some beach areas to encourage those not in any of the above categories to go home, but it's not a constant thing, nor a Sydney-wide, nor indeed a nation-wide practice

As to the army forcing people to stay at home, well... only if you're supposed to be there...

From Monday, some 300 army personnel will help police go door to door to ensure people who have tested positive are isolating, New South Wales police commissioner Mick Fuller told a news conference.

The military personnel will not be armed and will be under police command, he said.

In summary: No, we have not become a heavy-handed, authoritarian police state, nor is there any danger of a military coup. The people who have complained loudest about these restrictions, are the first ones to break them, resulting in necessarily stricter enforcement measures, which, of course, they complain about as well. It's a looooong way from storming government buildings in 2nd-hand combat fatigues, armed with assault rifles, just because you can't get a haircut... & more of a storm in a takeaway teacup - oolong, with almond milk & a dash of manuka honey
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Once upon a long time ago, there was an Australian restaurant chain called 'Black Stump', who were pretty much a steakhouse. In fact, their advertising song was short, sharp & to the point - 'At the Black Stump, we're famous for our steaks'... So, not a haven for vegetarians, or even pescatarians. Not that there were many of either of those in 70s & even 80s Australia

Anyway, that little trip down Memory Lane was triggered by a couple of news stories I found today, concerning Australia's impressive collection of snakes & put me in mind of that jingle, albeit with a slight change - 'Beyond the black stump, we're famous for our snakes' Tiger Snakes love a boat trip!! Seemingly inspired by the book/film 'Life Of Pi' & every bit as dangerous!!... And - That's not a hair-clip!!. & not really the kind of accessory that's likely to catch on in trendy circles...

Should you find yourself with a snake in your boat, or in your hair, above all - don't panic... & don't do any of these things either...

... our snakes & spiders. they're having just as hard a time with the flooding along the east coast as the rest of us.... The Australian attitude to our venomous menagerie is evident in the captions to various photos mentioning 'cuties'... snakes!

Meanwhile, the road I prefer to use when crossing the Blue Mountains - the mountain range to the west of Sydney you need to get over to access the rest of the State, has been closed indefinitely, as landslides have weakened not only the road's structural integrity, but also that of one of the bigger mountains it snakes (sorry... that word again!) around!!

I prefer that road for 2 reasons: It's less crowded than the main highway route with all the tourist stops on it & for the twists, turns, sharp corners & much more dramatic scenery... including huge drop-offs that are often right outside the car door as you come around the corner. Which is probably why everyone prefers the safer highway. Well... that's going to be a busy road for the next little while, so maybe I'll have to take a leaf out of the white explorers of the early 19th Century who 'discovered' the way over the mountains that later became the highway (turns out all they did was follow existing aboriginal tracks. My favourite, now closed road, does the same. Credit where it's due!!) & 'discover' a new way over, or around, the western barrier walls of the Sydney Basin. At least I'll be honest about it & give any available credit to Google Maps...

Just like anywhere else in the world, Australia has some rules. But a few you may not have heard of – until now...

1. Don’t underestimate the sun
We have one of the world’s highest incidence of skin cancer for a reason. And no, you’re not a golden bronze you’re neon red, like an embarrassed lobster.

2. Don’t forget the thank you wave
While Australian drivers are often quick to pull out the other one fingered salute, it’s imperative that you acknowledge when someone lets you into the traffic or exhibits other forms of road-based kindness. This can take the form of a raised hand so that the car behind can see it or a thumb up. The raised index finger from the steering wheel can also function as a rural greeting as other motorists zipping by.

3. Don’t call rocket ‘arugula’
It’s an Americanism and an ironic one because for a nation that’s at the forefront of space exploration, they can’t bring themselves to use the word rocket. And besides, arugula sounds like an old car horn.

4. Don’t order a cocktail when it’s someone else’s shout and they’re on beer
Pub etiquette is both complex and adhered to in Australia. If someone buys you a drink, you are obligated to return the kindness. With one of equal(ish) value.

5. Don’t attempt to climb the Rock (or any other similar objects)
It took way too long to stop Australians and visitors alike from clambering over sacred sites. Even if there are no signs, just don’t.

6. Yes, our hourly wage is better than that of many countries
But that doesn’t mean hospitality staff are raking it in as a result. If the experience has been worthy and you can spare the dollars, 10 to 20 per cent is the rough guideline. It won’t be assumed but it will be appreciated.

7. Don’t disregard warning signs (except one)
It’s not an ad for Lacoste. There are actual crocodiles in that water. And not the cute little ones. Ditto jellyfish that do way worse than just sting a bit. The only one to take no notice of is anything with the words ‘drop bears’.

8. Don’t ask someone ‘but where are you actually from?’
Assume they’re Australian and move on to a less clichéd discussion.

9. Don’t ask where the nearest Starbucks is
Unless you’re only hitting them up for Wi-Fi, Australia has better coffee to offer.

10. Don’t assume there will be a gas station every few miles
Once you hit the highway or any place that can be designated as the Outback, fill up where and whenever possible. Also don’t refer to them as gas stations or forget that we use kilometres not miles.

11. Don’t bag Vegemite
Unless you’ve had someone guide you through the basics of spread to bread ratio distribution. It’s not peanut butter – you only need a smear thinner than a motel cushion.

12. Don’t assume your sports are better than ours
Yes, the standard of certain games – like basketball in the US or soccer in the UK – may be superior but as far as actual toughness and skill goes you’d be hard pressed to beat, say AFL. No pads, no time-outs unless someone needs to be taken to casualty, no carrying on like a pork chop when you do something mundane like make a regular tackle and you can’t run out of play because the scary defender is about to monster you and still keep possession.

13. Don’t smoke weed in public
Unlike many countries, marijuana is not legal in Australia. Yet. And while certain police officers may be lenient when it comes to personal use, it’s probably not best to test tolerance levels when out and about.

14. Don’t “champ” anyone
It may have started as a compliment but in recent years, the tone has changed to one of ambivalence at best and condescension at worst.

15. Don’t call a walk a hike
A hike means a pack on your back, the high probability of an overnight camp ground and the necessity of an emergency GPS in case things go tits up. If you’re just doing the Bondi to Bronte trail, it’s a walk.

16. Don’t ever refuse chicken salt
You can keep your Pink Himalayan and fleur de sel. This is far superior to any salt you’ve tried before. Trust us.

17. Don’t wait for someone to pump your petrol
They ain’t coming.

18. Don’t do the Crocodile Dundee jokes
At this stage, we’re all just smiling politely as you say “that’s not a knife….” Ditto shrimps and barbies.

19. Don’t actually tell someone the truth when they ask ‘how you going’?
Despite how it sounds, this is not a genuine inquiry as to your emotional wellbeing. Unless it comes from an actual friend, the only acceptable answer is ‘good’.

20. Don’t assume you’ll see actual celebrities on TV shows with the words “stars” or “celebrity” in the title.
Our definition is very, very broad. Case in point, Lindsay Lohan as a judge on a singing show where Wendell Sailor is a contestant.

Summer is on holiday... here in Sydney, with temperatures in the low 20s centigrade, grey skies & constant, ground-soaking rain

Not that I'm complaining... I'll take the rain in this dry country as often as global weather patterns are willing to give it to us... We've all seen the alternative...

Just out of interest, can anyone point out where Sydney is on this map?

I'm still holding off on my own, personal, year-in-review, as I won't believe it's over until the clock hits 12.01am just under 2 weeks from now. But the Sydney Morning Herald's Peter Hartcher has chanced his arm & opts for praising, with faint damns...

( 5 Australian Lessons From 2020 )

... when I decided to opt out of further rants about the protests in America, I mentioned Australia was not without its own problems in that area, so I should stay quiet on this one

Enter our Prime Minister... who hasn't put a foot significantly wrong for a few months, so has obviously been itching for an opportunity to stuff things up

He claims there was no slavery in Australia. He is wrong

Says who? Says thousands of Aboriginal people, thousands of Pacific Islanders & thousands of Chinese, South-East Asian & Indian people, who were brought here to do all the work we once made the convicts do... for the same wage & conditions - basically nothing. So, any white Australian of convict descent should be just as insulted at this 'whitewashing' of our history, as any of the aforementioned others

They probably won't be though... in fact they're probably the ones who agree with him